Reflection

Today I found myself thinking a lot about change. So much has changed for us over the past few years. Moving several times, new jobs, new chapters of our life, new baby. It has been a journey of hills and valleys. From being homeless to finding a new job to owning our first home to miscarrying a baby, to getting pregnant again, to losing our jobs and losing our home, losing a business and starting a new one then finding a new place to live. The ups and downs have been unreal, yet when I reflect on it, I'm not sad about the loss. I gained so much more. I found my own self worth, my value. I was forced to remind myself of what really matters. I met wonderful new people. I allowed myself to finally just relax and accept the love that Daniel's family offered myself and my children in place of what I hoped my own family would give but didn't. I stopped preparing myself for the worst and started accepting that things would be better. I gained a new perspective. I let go. I started believing in the good in this world again. It may not be shown as often as the bad, but it's out there if you look for it and want to be part of it. I am giving thanks today. Even though we are balancing on the edge and are not sure which way we will fall, I pray that I just move forward with my head held high and the faith that the Lord is with me wherever I go.

 As I think about things, I question how I will respond to new issues. When I come to the precipice and I gaze over into the water, what reflection will I see? Will my light reflect in the turbulent waters or will I allow it to be broken apart by the forces that want so badly to break it down?

 I know this much, I am blessed. Blessed with love and family and a kind heart. Blessed with the desire to always be better. Blessed with the gift of knowing that I am never alone in this world. Blessed with children who love me and an opportunity to teach them to be the kind of people that make a difference. Blessed to be part of great friends doing amazing things. Blessed to be part of helping families adopt children who are praying for a mommy and daddy to love them. Seeing change in the world inspires me to want to do more. I don't just want to move mountains, I want to build a village for the people that live in its foothills. Now I am blessed to know today that even though I'm small, I can make that happen.

I can see my true reflection....even in the turbulent water and that is worth more than anything we've lost.

Tornado Tragedy

Everything has become so blurry since the 27th. Like the whirlwinds have just continued. It's been a time of changes for us and I want to recap what I remember while I it's somewhat clear. My kids will likely ask about this day in the future at some point when weather is the topic of discussion and I will hopefully be able to show this to them.

We live in Alabaster, AL...well we did. We have experienced a lot of changes since Oct. 2010. That's when I lost my job and had to close my baby blanket business which was our secondary income. The economy had been in turmoil for a couple of years and I was running a construction/remodeling company. They started going under without the regular business we were use to and I was laid off. No severance, no more insurance, nothing. I had built our lives around that job. I made a huge salary. I was blessed. We had a nice house and it came with a big mortgage. we never planned on "what if I lost my job". Daniel was the stay at home dad, caring for three kids to avoid daycare cost and complications. We were set, or so we thought. Losing our only income in Oct. I began searching for work. No one wanted to hire me around the holidays and every place I applied said I was over qualified. Long story short, we lost the house and all our savings. Daniel went to work for a very modest wage at his dad's business which was a huge blessing since no one else seemed to be hiring. I decided to start selling cupcakes since I loved to bake. I thought if I couldn't find a job, I'd make one. We found a place to rent through a friend and began the process of trying to work and pack and move with three kids, one of which is a wild toddler. I had a fender bender in the driveway and was dealing with the issues of our crazy upside down lives. This is where we were in our lives that day. Before the tornadoes, before the storms, we were all wrapped up in the loss of our home and what we were going through. We have always done charity work as I own a children's charity and have always loved helping others so this part would come easy but for a moment we were only thinking of what we were going through....

Alabaster is in Shelby County, AL. If you look back over the past few years, we have had several tornadoes in the county but amazingly very few actually hit our city at all. Daniel and I have always joked about how the city is a storm ninja and pushes them out of the way as they get closer. we have been in the direct path of so many storms that just magically take a turn or deteriorate or just go around us. You can see the significance of this in an image that I will attach. Regardless of our "luck" with the storms, we always take the kids into the basement and wait it out just in case. This is always protested by the kids of course. It's an inconvenience. It's so common place for us to go down there "for nothing" that we had stopped thinking about what if it was for a reason this time.

We had experienced the storms earlier that morning. No damage at our house but I didn't feel safe taking the kids to school knowing that James Spann said that the worst would be coming in the afternoon. I kept them home. We spent the day running errands. I made sure we had batteries and snacks and a good supply of Dr. Pepper and KitKats since that seems to be what keeps me going on little to no sleep these days. I nagged Daniel as often as possible, telling him he needed to come home early. We had only had one little scare where a tornado had come through and he drove home in it. I was on the phone with him and could hear all the wind and I was afraid he would get killed while I was talking to him. Yes, we have tornadoes on a fairly sporadic basis, especially during the Spring. For those of you who live in other stated not accustomed to this, its similar to small earthquakes. You eventually get use to the little ones and pray you never have to go through a "big one". Anyway, I nagged and he came home. We turned on the weather. James Spann for those of you who don't know, is in my opinion, the greatest weather man alive. He is really an artist at what he does so we listen when he says "go to your safe place" and "this is the area of the polygon". Check out things James Spann says on facebook. So we were watching the weather. A little concerned but still thinking that they all go around us anyway so we'll be ok. I think it has something to do with elevation and tree lines but I've never really looked into it. We were a little frustrated thinking we couldn't watch American Idol because live weather coverage would likely be on for hours. It's funny to think back on this stuff now. How trivial.

As they began announcing the areas that needed to seek shelter, they said our little city along with all the ones around us. I began facebooking my friends in those cities and towns, telling them to seek shelter. Many people had lost power in the first round of storms that morning and James Spann said we should warn our friends by phone if we could. I knew most all of them could see the updates on their phones from facebook so that's what I did. We all kept tabs on each other that way. Posting and reposting to make sure they were ok after each storm passed. I started thinking about what an amazing technology we were using. Instant communication during a horrible storm. I was lost in thought when we realized that the sirens had sounded and we needed to get downstairs. I grabbed our bag of emergency supplies, (a bottle of water, a sippy cup, granola bars, diapers and wipes and baby dolls, a flashlight and extra batteries). We went to the basement to wait. The wind was howling and the lightening intense. the kids were afraid but not much. They were so use to the storms missing us that they were ready to get back upstairs. Daniel and Jake played with matchbox cars or hot wheels as Jake calls them and Macy whined about being sleepy. Lily inspected and got into everything in the room that she shouldn't touch and I watched the weather and checked in on facebook. The tornado went right around us, or over us I guess. We were fine. I checked in with my friends and they were ok too. Daniel had been on the phone with his family and they were all ok. My dad called and said no damage there either. We thought ok that was close but we're good so we went back upstairs. Not long after the sirens sounded again and another tornado was headed right for us. We ran back down to the basement. This time we were more concerned. Thinking twice would be too lucky. Daniel had a plan for us to get out of the room and into the shower if it got really bad. He said I should put the kids under me and get in the back corner of the shower where he could lay over us. This was the first time I ever stopped to think "what if". This was the moment that I started picturing all my friends in their closets with their babies. Picturing the one really horrible tornado I had been in as a child where I saw my dad grab my mother's hand as the storm shelter door was snatched open and she was almost sucked out. I remembered the sound, just like they say... a train. I remembered the calm. The eerie, creepy calm right before it hit. The sky was green. Like a giant nightlight. Nothing moved. I could hear everything. Then, the wind, blowing our swing set like a dandelion as we watched it smash into our house from the door of the storm pit as we called it. I remembered my mother screaming that my brother was still in the house. He had hid under the bed because he was afraid of the thunder. My father clawing at the ground to get back to the house to save him. Then crawling back and nearly being hit by flying objects. My mother, hysterical and overwhelmed with all of it. Then the massive rain. The storm shelter began to flood and we had to get out. Our house flooded too and we ended up sleeping on cots at the church shelter that night. I remembered all those feelings. I thought about about the movie "The Wizard of Oz" I thought about how I would hold onto my kids if the wind tried to pull them away from me. How to hold all three with only two hands. How to help Daniel shield them. I thought all of these things in a split second it seemed. Then I realized that this tornado had turned as well and we were blessed. All I could think of was wow, it did it again. I laughed and looked at Daniel and said Alabaster the tornado ninja! We went back upstairs to watch tv. Never thinking about what would happen with the other tornadoes in other places until we saw them.

They looked too big to be a tornado. The spirally twisters we are so accustomed to. This was a mile wide. Like an entire wall cloud had began to circulate. It was too big to really comprehend. We watched and listened as they named the same areas more than once. I thought about those people and how terrifying it is t go through that even one time and here they are being hit again and again.

There were no words to express what we would see later. The devastation is unimaginable. We still had power so I got on the computer and started asking friends to help me start collecting things for these people. I knew there would be a huge need but could have never grasped the size of it. I immediately had people offering clothing and blankets. I knew I would do everything I could to help the families who lost everything. I knew I would find a way to bring hope to children in shelters as I remembered what it felt like to be in one as a child. I knew I would make care packages, and take cupcakes to shelters and pick up whatever others wanted to donate. I knew I would do anything I was asked to help. What I didn't know is that the rest of the state and other states and the entire country would do the same. It's hard to imagine others seeing us. It's hard to image others helping who live as far away as Alaska, but they are. The next day I took the first load of supplies to the first city I wanted to help. Tuscaloosa. I said a prayer and asked God to show me where to go and He led me to a church that was working with the Emergency Services Center.  I wasn't sure what to expect. I had seen images but it doesn't prepare you for the real thing. As we got closer there were bucket trucks lined up along the interstate, trees snapped at the tops next to trees completely uprooted. Signs mangled. and then the cars and buildings....it was all unreal. I felt like I was in a movie. The cellular tower wasn't just knocked down, it was spun and twisted and broken into pieces. Cars looked like the ones you see in junkyards that have been pressed together for salvage. My kids went silent in the backseat. I turned and took another road to get them away from the worst of it. Not so much because I didn't think they could handle it, but because I didn't think they could handle me crying like that. It was like a flood of emotion. The way it hits you. To be close enough to touch it and to think of the people who had to go through that. I was crying thankful tears through silent prayers. Thanking God for saving my stupid ass who was worried about a tv show and making dinner without power. Thanking Him for sparing so many of my friends and for allowing me to be bringing these items to these people for Him. I got to the church and they came out to see what I had to donate. I had bought or collected so many things they had to send someone with me to the ESC warehouse to unload. It felt so good. I made cupcakes of course. A small gesture to remind them that even crazy moms that bake will be there for them. I had clothing, blankets, toys, toiletries, books, baby meds, bandages, and more. The car was so full, the kids had to ride with garbage bags of items under their feet because the trunk was overloaded. So many of my friends and family had given to the cause and I was fortunate to be able to buy a lot of things to go with those. The Emergency Services Center was a place of action. Things going out as soon as they came in. People sorting, making plans for the next task. It was community. People working together to help others. I was so happy to be there and so sad at the same time. I knew this was only the beginning. These people would need all of us to stay with them as they try to clean up and rebuild their lives. Not just in Tuscaloosa, but in all the areas that were destroyed this way.

It's still blurry. Things happened so fast and now here we are, doing what we can to pick up the pieces. I have a renewed appreciation for the things in my life. Not material things because those are so meaningless. No one wants to lose their home but I was fortunate to be able to keep all of my belongings. No one wants to lose their ability to buy nice things but it means nothing if you have no one to share it with. I don't even think about it now.  So many of the people who were affected lost loved ones along with all of their worldly possessions. Memories like baby's first Christmas, wedding photos, houses they built with their father. None of this compares to the loss of their loved ones. I will use my blessing, my being one of the lucky ones, my love of helping others. I will use this t do God's work and provide all I can to help. I will work together with my friends at MOMS Market and Backpacks for Bedtime and make sure that the children affected get everything they need and more. I will use my life to make a difference now more than ever.

I am blessed and I am thankful for God is GOOD even in times of despair. He hears us and for those who have experienced a miracle, you know what  He can do.

 I will be delivering cupcakes to a shelter on Friday along with Backpacks for Bedtime. They are providing pjs, stuffed animals, books and more to the children there. I will be bringing blankets, bedding and clothing along with the cupcakes. Please do what you can to get involved. It will mean so much to them. Imagine if you were in their shoes and be the person that you would want to help you.

God Bless all of those who were affected. My heart and prayers are with you.

My journey ..so far

In my life, I have done many things. You could never say I have been on a career path. It's been more like a train ride with many stops everywhere and no idea where it's going. I thought I'd make a list of all the things I can remember that I've done. I started working full time at 14. This was the only time I can remember working only one job at a time. Graduated at 17 and began the multiple job life. I've worked anywhere from 2 to 7 jobs at a time since then. I've been a live in nanny, certified nanny and part time babysitter for different services, worked at Subway, many different restaurant positions from waitress to pie topper, drive thru girl, hostess, became a makeup artist and cosmetic sales consultant, opened a Merle Norman, started two lawn maintenance companies, delivered papers from midnight to 7 am, taught preschool, was a Kindergarten sub, sold AVON, invented a baby blanket and started that company, started a children's charity, became a dental assistant, worked the front desk and insurance billing portion of another dental office, temped at an additional office, became a physician's assistant, compiled work for the Helen Keller Foundation, worked for a forest owners association, telemarketed, took infomercial orders, worked in medical records, switchboard, insurance claims, retina surgery dvd cropper, medical transcription, transcribed and edited docs presented to the gov't regarding military eye injuries, built websites, ran a construction company, started selling Mary Kay, opened a bakery, started teaching cake decorating classes to children and adults, started teaching classes on how to start a small business, how to build a website, makeup and skin care, and cake decorating for adults, writing articles for money, ....I'm sure I'm forgetting some things but you see where I'm going with this. Train ride, many stops, no idea where it's going. God tells me to go do something and I just do it.  I wonder what I'll be doing next year???

Back to Basics

Today I am filled with thoughts of "the good stuff". Barefoot summers, lightning bugs, watermelon, real cartoons, chocolate covered kids smiles, big homemade breakfasts, smurfs, strawberry shortcake dolls that didn't have long hair, babies breathing softly while they sleep on my shoulder, koolaid mustaches, the smell of my great grandmother's sweet shrub, pies baked for no occasion at all...I want to get all those things back so I'm making some changes. As a poor single mom for years, I struggled and felt guilty for the amount of time I had to work away from my children just to provide them with a home. Then, I met Daniel and I got a great and I mean great job and we could pretty much do what we wanted and buy what we wanted whenever we got the urge. I overcompensated for the years that we didn't have anything and while I had this great job, I spoiled my kids terribly. Now that I no longer have that job or the means to support that lifestyle anymore, I see the error of my ways. My kids are in for some shell shock as they say but it will be good for all of us. We are moving to a new house and starting over basically so I will use this transition as a time to reverse and undo any damage hopefully. They have always been involved in charity but they will now learn to share and work together in our own house. This is my new mission. It should be an adventure.

Oh the things I've done

My life has been nothing if not interesting. I am so curious as to what it looks like in its entirety to the Lord. I picture it as a jigsaw puzzle scattered amongst the floor of Heaven. God already knows what it will be when all the pieces are together properly, but I only see glimpses of how it all fits together, one small section at a time. He strings the events of my life together this way. A piece that once seemed so out of place and unnecessary was needed to connect the piece on the other side that brought me to a beautiful new section of the puzzle. So many amazing things have happened in my life. Things that I would have never expected. Had I not had the piece I thought useless, I may have never know these events. I have met famous celebrities, been in books and on morning shows, turned Pauly Shore down for a date lol. .. most people would consider these things amazing for a young single mother. These, however, are not the events I am referring to. My amazing moments have been the births of my babies, finding a man that I trust to care for them as well as I do, losing everything but never going without thanks to God's grace, lifting the spirits of a dying young boy who just wanted his friends to see him on my website, watching my nephew who has AMC progress and move mountains everyday, meeting amazing people along this journey that God showed me how to find... These are my amazing events. There are no coincidences in my life. It would seem there have been thousands, but I know that each of them is just another piece in my life's puzzle and that I will see how they all connect over time.

People ask Why??

Why do you put so much work and money into charity when you can't afford it?

For those of you who know me well, this question is probably something you have thought but never actually asked and for those of you who don't and have come out and said it, here's your answer. Because I will never be one of the people who can afford it if I am not giving all of me to doing the things that God has laid on my heart. He will bless me as He always has and made sure that I never went hungry and never, even when we were homeless, never did I have to sleep on the street. My life before Daniel was more than difficult. I was a single mom of two with no family willing to help us. I came to my parents after my divorce and losing my job and our home and told them I had nowhere to go and they replied "our lifestyle doesn't work with you and the kids here so you can't stay". I put our belongings back in the car and loaded up my babies, then 2 and 5 and drove and cried and prayed for hours. I called a friend, the only person I could think might help me, the only one who was really always there to talk to and she graciously offered a guest room to us. The next 6 months were so hard. I found a job, but my daycare costs were 900.00 so I got a second job, then an apartment then another job to pay utilities. Before it was all said and done I was working 1 full time and 5 part time jobs all at the same time and raising two babies alone. Not long after we got settled in, I got a notice of eviction. I had been late on my rent after Macy had gotten sick and I had to miss work, The complex manager knew my father and had a grudge against him for something that happened years earlier. This I assume was the reason she gave me a three day notice to vacate instead of working out a late payment. Once again I had nowhere to go, but Daniel and I had started dating and he took over my childcare. We went to school together and lost touch over the years. We ran into each other again at a friends football gathering. We just hit it off like we had just always been together. I couldn't believe what he offered. A young single guy with no kids and had never been married offered to care for my children so that I didn't have to pay for daycare anymore. Then I got a better job offer. I had only 3 days to find a place to live so I called a number in the paper under rental listings. The guys said I dialed the wrong number because he didn't have house in Alabaster but he said it was funny that I called because he had a house that he rented out in Pelham and it would be ready in 2 days. It was one street over from where I was living. Daniel's parents offered money for us to move in on and we were able to move into a  house in that crazy time frame. My point to all this is that no matter how hard things have been for me, I have never been forsaken and I achieve great joy in helping others, especially children. If I have food to eat then I am more wealthy than so many others. If I have a coat to wear, I am blessed to not know a cold night without one. I owe it to myself to be the best person I can be, I owe it to the Lord to show him my thanks for all the miracles that he has worked in my life. I owe it to others who should be rewarded for being willing to help others but need help themselves. I want my children to see that it doesn't take much effort to be a good person and with a little more effort you can be a great person and an inspiration to others. I am just one person and I have very limited resources but I will use what I DO have in order to save a child from a life without a family or to give a coat to a homeless woman or to bake cupcakes for a family who wants to save a child, or to donate 5 dollars when I only have 10 because I know that I will be taken care of and He will reward me 10 fold. I could not look at myself in the mirror and see ME if I wasn't helping where I could. I wouldn't be true to what I believe or how I think God wants me to live.

So, to answer your question, I can't afford NOT to.

Thankful

Today I am thankful for the gifts in my life. My children, my family, my friends and most of all for the way God is using me. I started this blog after my friend Kathy encouraged me. I know that I am not a writer but I do love to put into words what I feel about things so maybe this will be good for me. Today I was reminded once again that it doesn't matter who we are, who we know, how much money we have, all of those things help but even when you are like me...broke, not knowing anyone with huge amounts of money or power and not being one of those people myself. A simple, kind-hearted person can make a difference if they open their hearts up and listen to what God is telling them. I want to leave a legacy of kindness and giving. I want to be someone that I hope my children grow up to be like. I want to make a difference. A BIG DIFFERENCE. It all started in 2005 with a blanket I invented and has passed through many hoops, some of which I will share with you. Now it's come to cupcakes and children. Is this how God will choose to use me to help others or will he push me into a new business again? I hope I'm listening when He tells me.